Im not giving up this time.

Marriage. Seems like it should be easy and effortless, but most of the time its not. I have been married twice, and gone through one heck of a nasty seperation and divorce. I dont talk about my first marriage much because there isnt much to say, we were both young and immature and things just didnt end well. Things still arent good and we have been divorced over 5 years now.

When I got remarried I swore that this time would be it, this would be the one I wouldnt ever give up on. We have had some trials and tribulations during our almost 5 years married. (yes I got married only 3 months after my divorce) There have been times where he wanted to call it quits and times where I wanted to also but we stuck together. Honestly sometimes I dont know how we did it, there was a lot stacked against us.

I came into the relationship damaged, with two small children (who werent with me at the time) and with a whole lot of baggage. I felt pretty unlovable some days, but he loved me. He was my strength and my sturdy rock in the center of my turbulant ocean. He was the polar opposite of me (still is) he is calm, collected, responsable, and has so much confidence and drive sometimes its hard to keep up. He is forever working to make our family stay afloat and I love him every single day for it.

When we started to fall apart it came like a huge crashing wave, there was so much stress I thought we were surely going to implode. I was pregnant, we had just bought a home, and my kids came back to me permanately. It was a huge change for him, going from single military guy mode, drinking every weekend and eating junk, getting to come and go as he pleased. Then getting all this responsibility shoved onto him just wasnt fair. I understood completely what was wrong but stood helplesly while I watched our world crumble underneath us. I felt lost and alone and it hurt.

We argued every day, things were so tense and scary. I honestly didnt know what we were going to do. But then I remembered I made a promise that I wouldnt give up without a fight this time, so I faught. I came out swinging, resolved that this wasnt going to pull us down. Together we would make it though, and I am proud to say that was 3 years ago and we are still making it work. It hasnt been easy, there have been fights and days of silent grumbling. But we are both trying every day to make it work.

Marriage isnt always easy, but it is woth the fight. Learn to pick your battles, give in when you can. Learn to love yourself as much as you love your partner and if its what you want you will do whatever it takes to make it work. 

~k

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screen time…

I have noticed great debates lately about kids and screen time, this mommy war topic really gets me. Maybe because my kids watch TV, movies, and play video games… YUP I let my kids do it all, and sometimes I feel totally and completely judged for it. All of my boys have tablets, and they know how to use the Wii and our TV. Today has been the quietest day in weeks, because I caved and bought pocket minecraft for the boys. Its a lazy beautiful day and I couldn’t be happier. We have rules and guidelines on all electronics, they cant play until their rooms are clean and beds made, no electronics at the table during meals and on school days no electronics until after homework/reading time. I don’t feel guilty at all that my boys would rather play a video game or watch a movie instead of reading or playing outside today. Maybe its because I know that we have days where we spend all day outside? I really don’t know but something about it just doesn’t phase me the way it seems to bother some parents. In fact I play the video games with them, yep I totally put mine craft on my phone so I could play with them, and yesterday we played Mario and watched anime movies and ate popcorn. I love lazy days like these with my kids. Days where I can get house work done and not hear screaming and fighting every time I leave the room. I am a video game playing, movie and TV watching, lazy mama and I am proud!

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Some days I dont want to be a mom anymore.

All day constant fighting, yelling, and distoying. Today was ROUGH! Most days glide right by all smiles and laughter, and then there are days like to day that skid me right into thinking I am in over my head raising three willful little boys. I was so close to breaking down and crying but somehow held it together. The day started fine, but as soon as all the kids came home it was chaos! Whining and yelling and taddling and hitting. It was nearing bed time so I gave the boys a chance to earn a special after dinner snack if they would pick up their rooms that they had distroyed earlier in the day. As bed time loomed near I called out the 30 minute warning. I could still hear playing and fighting. 15 minutes… 10… and finally bed time. I walked in Travs room and it was just as messy as it was before he started cleaning. I explained to him that all the toys that didnt get put away were going in the trash now. ( This isnt a new rule its been around for the last 2 years, so no surprise) Of course it resulted in massive 5 year old melt down. Screaming, kicking, throwing toys. I knew he was tired, I had him help me put the toys in the trash bag and told him to get up in bed. I asked if he wanted a hug and kids he huffed and me and turned away so I told him it was okay and walked out the door, he sat in bed screaming for 20 minutes that he wanted a hug and kiss. I went to the door and told him when he calmed down I would give them to him. finally he chilled out got his hug and kiss and went to bed. I went to check on Chris and for once he was actually asleep, he usually sneaks out of his room 2-50 times depending on the night. Got Ben to sleep and started finally wind down and ben woke back up crying for the next 20 minutes. I am so thankful for my friends that I texted and vented to about the last few hours and how down I was feeling. Sometimes I feel so alone. I am vertually a single parent, husband works 12-12. It feels good to sit here and listen to Chromeo and write this all out with the rest of the house silent. Someone tell me Im not alone and sometimes you struggle too? That sometimes you just cry and dont want to be a mom anymore? Im going to go do the dishes and go cuddle myself up to the sleeping little boy in my bed.

~K

I guess this is the end?

So for the last 30 months I have been a proud breast feeding mom, but the time has come to wean. I am feeling okay about this change and Ben seems to be handling it great! I am so glad I waited until he was ready. I couldn’t imagine weaning him at 1, he wouldn’t have understood why it was being taken away. For us breast feeding was more than just nutrition, it was comfort and security. Ben is finally at an age where he understands why the milk went away and he is okay when he asks and I say no. Its kind of bitter sweet, I am excited to have my body back but also a little sad. It was such a special bond we had I worry about making it up in some other way. I guess now I need to figure out how to get rid of all this milk and how to keep this strong bond we have. Anyone have any pointers? 

The journey into the great unknown…

 

 

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I was born and raised in sunny Arizona, Grew up in Phoenix and moved to Surprise Arizona when I was a freshman in high school. My whole life was in Arizona and I honestly thought I would never ever leave. I loved it there, still do. Mountains beautiful sunsets and warm weather.

When I was 20 I moved to Texas to reunite with my high school sweetheart and raise our son. It was scary, I had never been away from my family. I didn’t know where anything was and lets face it Texas is HUGE! Living over 1500 miles from everything I knew sucked, I wont even lie. I missed Arizona so badly and thought constantly about moving back home.

When my husband and I divorced everyone thought I would go back home but I couldn’t. almost 3 years had passed and Texas began to become my home. I was in a new relationship got a job and started a better life for myself out here. In so many ways Texas is so different and in many its the same. Its warm in the summer like Arizona, with a little more humidity… There aren’t any mountains here and I miss that the most.

I think the hardest part about loving Texas so much is missing my family equally as much. I want to have my kids be around family. Have cousins aunts and uncles around like I did growing up. We have a large extended family and I love it! It makes me sad to know my kids don’t get those huge Christmases I grew up with. We visit as much as we can but sometimes it doesn’t feel like its enough.

I was driving yesterday enjoying the trees and blue sky and thinking about how sorely I would miss Texas if we ever do move back to Arizona. I don’t know if I could leave my home here and go back there. As much as I would love to be around family could I give up this beautiful place filled with music culture and green?

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Ugh grown up decisions suck!

~K

How I became the mom I am today.

Growing up I can honestly say I had  the most amazing childhood, me and my brother are close in age, my mom was a stay at home mom, we had lots of kids around us and we were pretty much never home. Always out exploring having adventures and getting in a little bit of trouble. The street lights would come on or we would hear my dad whistle and we would come running home.

I got pregnant young, it wasn’t my plan but I think it saved me, I wasn’t in a good place in life. Abusing alcohol, smoking, and not eating healthy. When I found out I was pregnant it was a moment of shock and terror, this wasn’t what I had planned what am I going to do? I left my then boyfriend and went back to my high school love.Christopher was born 3 months after my 19th birthday it was amazing he was the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen. Even then I was selfish and irresponsible, my son was always safe with me but I didn’t give him a stable life I wish I had.

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Fast forward 2 years I am living in Texas and about to give birth to my second son, life is calmer but not perfect. My now ex was deployed things were rocky to say the least. Travis is born and once again love! My husband and I decide to divorce and he wins custody and takes the boys to Colorado and out of my life. I was SHATTERED! They were my world, I felt like I had nothing without those boys I couldn’t eat couldn’t sleep. Thankfully I had a best friend that took me in and knew a great guy that I ended up falling for.

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I went two very long years without my boys, My world changed and so did I. I got remarried worked extremely hard and got pregnant for a 3rd time. The moment I found out I was pregnant I was excited but sad. I knew I needed my older boys here with me so I fought. At that point my ex did the best thing he had done in the last 2 years he abandoned our kids with his parents and left for California, after talking to his parents they brought the boys to Texas to be with us.

Benjamin was born in July 2 weeks after moving into out new home and 2 months after getting my older boys back. My life was complete. I still have some days where I fear he will come back and try to destroy my world again but this time I am older and smarter and I know that no amount of scare tactics or pressure will worry me. I am their mom and they are never leaving me again.

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Its been a long and painful 7 years but I am proud of the mom I am today. I love my boys more than anyone could understand because I know what its like to not have them. I think you realize how much something means to you when you dont have it anymore. I would give anything for these three boys. I always will, they are my whole world. I thank god for helping guide me to this beautiful life I have today filled with love and joy, and I thank my husband for all his support and for taking in two hurt and confused little boys during one of the most stressful times in our lives.

~K

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I struggle

I have always had one battle that I could never completely over come, depression. Its a family thing I guess, I remember my mom being sort of depressed when I was growing up. It hit hardest in high school, life seemed so tough. Mean kids, hard classes, and the pressure to fit in constantly weighed on me. I was too skinny, I wasn’t pretty enough, didn’t have enough money, you name it I was picked on for it. To this day I can remember the mean things that were said and the names I was called. Even as an adult and a mom I have some days where I struggle to accept who I am. Its gotten easier though and the scary thoughts don’t come anymore. I am a mom and some days it’s hard to pull myself out of bed I wont lie! I struggle with my post babie(s) body, pants that don’t fit, shirts that are to small and all the people who never help around the house. Some days are just HARD! I have tried taking this or that but it just feels like a pretend happy. The last 4 years have been easier, I have been focusing on the great things I have in my life and counting my blessings daily. I am taking the steps to not only make my family happy but to also make myself happy. Working out, doing my hair and makeup, getting dressed and even blogging help me feel great about myself. I am surrounding myself with amazing positive people and have cut out all of the old negative ones. I am proud to be me and know that every morning is a new day to do something awesome!

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~Kim

My breast feeding journey

I used to believe I just wasn’t made to breastfeed my children. I had Christopher when I was 19 I tried to nurse him for a few days but couldn’t handle the discomfort and gave up quickly. I had no guidance, no help, and most importantly no support. When I had Travis I didn’t even try to breast feed him, I binded my chest and just gave him formula from the start. Then i got pregnant with Benjamin, I was in a different place in my life, new husband new home, new family and I had support. All of my friends were breast feeding their children and my mother in law was a lactation consultant. I was determined that this one would be different. I had Ben and immediately started breast feeding. I never gave up through flat nipples, thrush and all of the growth spurts we held strong we could and would nurse to full term! I was so thankful for all the support I received that I started a local group on Facebook offering support to other moms who need someone to talk to. We have made it almost 3 years now I cant believe it some days, I am so proud of finally sticking it out and accomplishing such an amazing goal. Im not sure when we will stop but I know it will come sooner than later and when Ben decides hes done I will be there to help him transition into the independent little boy he has become.

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~Kim 

Knock down. Drag out. Cloth diapers!

My love affair with cloth diapers started the moment I saw their soft squishy goodness. I instantly was enthralled in learning everything there was about them, from different colors, styles and material types. I can honestly blame the addiction on one of my best friends who started cloth diapering her new born. I knew I needed to buy all of the fluffy little butt clouds known as cloth diapers! Ben was just over one when we started cloth full time, what a change! We started off cheap adding one or two more pricier diapers here or there until i found my love! Oh BumGenius free times how I love thee! I love all the colors and patterns, they amazing absorbency they have. But then it happened, My diapers started to STINK! Not noticeable at first but slowly gaining strength, until I couldn’t use them anymore. I changed soap, changed wash routines nothing would help! I felt so upset, why could these diapers work so well for everyone but I had such bad smell issues!(Think cow barn!) Finally I decided to start looking for an old school top loading lots of water using washing machine. It changed everything! we once again love our diapers. I guess I wont be going back to my fancy HE washer until Ben is potty trained. Have you had any diaper issues? Leaking, smell, anything? let me know in the comments!

~Kim

Stay at home moms do nothing… what?!

Recently there seems to be an increase of “articles” I will use that term loosely, from women who are not stay at home moms judging moms who do stay home instead of returning to the work place. I am a proud stay at home mom.

I work every single day, I may not leave the house but I put in work, I cook, clean and wipe butts. I teach my kids compassion and academics. I teach them love, and I am there. To hear someone say I do nothing makes my blood boil, and to be judged because I dont provide a income hurts.

I have struggled for years to accept my roll because it was not what I thought I would be doing with my life but I am happy. I also feel so lucky that my husband can support our family on just his income. Do I miss working? Heck yes I do! But I know what I am doing is just as important as earning money. I am in no way bashing working moms that cant stay home, I know some working moms love to work and go crazy staying at home ( I was raised by one). I know other moms that wish they could stay at home but cant afford to be a one income or no income (single moms) family.

I am simply writing this to say, Take pride in what you do! Stay at home, work from home, or work outside the home. Just remember no matter what your place is we are all doing the same thing HARD WORK!

~Kim